The Truth About... Bondage

Bondage is the sensationalist stuff that movies love to play with. The first Basic Instinct established it as dangerous and deviant ­ a walk on the dark side. Consequently, the very idea of bondage can make people nervous if all they wanted was sex, straight up, no ice(pick)…

What's it all about?

Bondage is staple fantasy fodder and high street sex shops are doing a storming trade in harnesses, cuffs and straps. So why do we find the fine art of restraint so intriguing?

According to Midori, artist, sex educator and author of The Seductive Art of Japanese Bondage, far from being one of the dark arts, tying up or restraining your beloved is "the steamy, consensual, erotic fun of making one's partner a lovely wrapped gift of pleasure!"

Bondage works by restricting normal movement, by pulling parts of the body together, spreading limbs apart or simply by tying someone down to something.

Simply done, this could mean hands tied in front or behind the back or legs tied together at the ankles. Alternatively, it could involve limbs being spread-eagled, wrists and ankles fastened to the bedposts, a doorframe or any number of custom-made pieces of equipment.

The precise nature of bondage depends on the personalities, passions and fantasies of those who indulge in it.

"Sometimes it's sweet and soft, like silk scarves," explains Midori, "at others it's dark and taboo with leather and buckles…"

Why might I like it?

In a recent survey by web portal Yahoo, 62% of women said that they had either tied someone up or been tied up during sex. That's a lot of people who thought there might be something in it… So what's the appeal?

The pressure and pull of the binds themselves can be stimulation in their own right, but for some people, the art of bondage is just that ­ an art, for which intricate knots and patterns woven across and around the body are a thing of beauty.

Others enjoy the feeling of helplessness for its own sake. Not being able to move while their partner teases them, struggling against ropes that won’t let them go, unable to touch the object of their desire and denied their touch… It’s mind games like this that give bondage such a powerful sexual impact.

Ever wished someone else could take the reins of your life? Ever thought it would be nice to have no responsibilities and be gleefully liberated from the need to make decisions?

As the tied up, ‘submissive’ half of a bondage partnership, that’s exactly what you get. Being restricted and restrained goes hand in handcuff with feeling free ­ it’s the pleasure of surrender, of not having to be in control.

And for their partner, the opposite ­ they may get a kick out of giving their lover pleasure, enjoy the thrill of taking control, of enjoying the erotic submission of their partner or simply of being trusted in such a very fundamental way.

Any tips on getting it right?

Do as you would be done by. Take turns tying each other up - after all, it's hardly fair to truss up your beloved but not be willing to go there yourself.

More importantly, by experiencing what it's like, you'll be more sensitive to the one on the receiving end of your attentions. As Midori says, "Pleasure and sex is an art, and like all arts, there are skills to be gained and practiced…"

Enjoy the practice, enjoy the game, but the minute either of you aren't, stop playing. It's not about admitting defeat and there are many other ways to explore each other's bodies.

Bondage devotees also make sure they have a get-out clause ­ a word or signal that means 'I've had enough'. Pushing limits can be fun, but bulldozing through your partner's boundaries is not sexy and they won't love you for it.

There are a few practical considerations to bear in mind too.

Don't leave someone tied up or in the same position for too long and don't tie them too tightly. Cutting off their circulation will just give them pins and needles.

Have a pair of scissors handy ­ over-enthusiastic writhing plus inexperienced knot-tying can create complications when normal life comes a-knocking.

Midori is one of a number of experts leading the Coco de Mer sex salons. For more details, visit their website at www.coco-de-mer.co.uk

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